I don’t claim to know all things, some things…well most things (at least that’s what I tell my kids),
but not ALL things. I do know this though. I know that the decisions I have made in my life are not
based purely on selfish needs, I know that I have thought them through and determined a course without
haste. I know that every day I try a little harder to smooth the path that got so bumpy, to steady the little
footsteps of those that walk beside me, to help them over the roadblocks, to pick them up when they
fall, to hold them when they cry. It’s not always easy feeling responsible for the direction of the lives
you change, the burden can feel heavy, the fears can be suffocating and the anger can seem never
ending. I also know that I do not need anyone’s judgement or opinion. I need only your love and
support or your complete distance.
Adulthood is so far from the reality of what I thought it would be as a child. I couldn’t wait to grow up,
to get married, to have a real job. Now I just wish I could take a nap and run around outside in just my
undies if I want.
I do not believe in self pity, I do however believe in compassion. In a world where we are judged by so
many and known by so few it just seems so off balance. When I first got separated from my husband of
16 years I knew that decision would come with some negative judgement, with people talking,
assuming and making up their own version of whatever story they wanted to tell. I tried really hard to
stay true to the motto I wanted to endure those times with, “Those who know me and love me will know
the truth”. It held tight. Those who know me and love me do know the truth and those who don’t
know me and judged me are wrong and misinformed. There is a small twinge of satisfaction in
knowing that too.
My kids are strong and brilliant, funny and outgoing. They are the reason I wanted something so much
better for my life. We as society put everyone in the same box with the same set of rules for the game
of life. I have no interest in playing by the rules to avoid judgement, I would rather be an example of
how changing the rules can make it better. I do believe in marriage and all the wonderful things that
come with it, don’t get me wrong. I never in a gazillion years imagined this would be my life. I never
imagined a day without the man I married. But life happens and when we fall so far that we think there
is no way out we have to change the rules.
I don’t know all things, but I do know this. I know that happiness is important, those who love us will
always be there, those who don’t, well we don’t need them. I know that my children are strong and that
I have not ruined their lives forever. I know that childhood is hard, as is life and no matter what choices
I make I can only do the best I can for all of us. Judge me if you must, but before you do, at least know
me.
And in the words of my eight year old son put so simply “Happiness Wins”
