So I have this insane thing about having to come into work in the morning and open my internet to CNN. I read every story I can, including all the ones that send utter horror waves through my body to the core of my soul. I don't know why I read some of the stuff I do. Clearly I'm not emotionally equipped to deal with most of it. I'll open a story, read it and then sit and sob at my desk. Most times these are the stories about children being hurt or killed. I then will sit and stare at my screen with pictures of my babies on it and cry some more while I think about how utterly horrible it would be if something happened to one of them.
Last night I was watching Hopkins...again...probably shouldn't be watching that either. But there was a story on there about a little 9 year old who drowned at a birthday party, and while she wasn't dead so-to-speak, she was brain-dead and her parents were faced with the decision of having to turn off her life support. I can't think how hard that would be. In reality though, my parents went through that with me. I never realised the extent of the trauma my illness brought to them, I never gave them enough credit for the incredible strength they found during that time. Being a Mom, now I realise how hard that time must have been for them. I cannot imagine the desperation of knowing that your child is gone...forever!
After Skylar's choking incident I'm still a mess. Yesterday I was driving to pick them up from daycare and something got me thinking back to that moment and I felt the panic rushing through my body, the panic that consumes me to where I can hardly breath and almost have to stop the car to slap myself and get a grip. This will haunt me forever. I cannot for one minute imagine how I would find strength to wake up the next day if something awful happened to one of my kids. I'm sure like so many parents, you find that strength, and I applaud those people, I applaud that incredible will to go on despite the hurt that they have to carry every day.
We know a family who is going through so much right now. Their little boy had a choking accident at daycare and stopped breathing for 3 to 5 minutes. He died at the daycare but was revived by the paramedics, he then died two other times and revived. His parents were told he would be in a permanent vegetative state for the rest of his life, but over the last three years he has made remarkable progress, while he will never heal completely he is a bright beautiful light. I was looking at his care page and the photo’s, his little sister by his side smiling and hugging him in so many of those. What an incredible family, they have been through so much and they fight every day for him. He is surrounded by angels who love him so much. I had to stop reading (imagine that), too much for me to handle. It’s strange how I never have recollection of my time spent with a trach fighting for my life, but looking at him, reading his story is more than I can take, it’s too painful. I’ll say it again-what an incredible family, they live with so much hope and courage and love.
Whoa! A heavy load for the day. What a post to mark my three week hiatus from writing. I've just not felt the urge in the last couple weeks. It's either I have too much to say and can't get it all out or I feel like I have nothing to say at all. So has been the last month for me. Sometimes life is harder to digest than other times.
It's been an incredible month though in the lives of the little people who keep me smiling. Ethan is finally walking and talks a lot more now. Skylar is beautiful as always, she has the gentlest, sweetest nature and is so loving. I soak up all the love she throws at me. I feel so guilty sometimes for being frustrated with aspects of my life, I look around and I'm a lucky girl. I feel guilty when I cry for me. I wonder if I have anything to cry about, and how much should I expect, how frustrated do I need to feel...and do I really need to be so hard on myself all the time?
It's been a long, strange, beautiful month.Now I need to pull my head out my ass and focus again. Focus on the good and forgive, and love and dream and get back to being funny instead of so damn serious. Life is beautiful isn’t it. I read CNN and I’m horrified at the things people do to each other but in the same breath I read about AJ and I’m full of hope again.
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