Lately I find myself watching my kids and I will just stand there and watch them play and laugh and copy each other. They are so carefree. I think back to a time in my life when I was a child and my brother and I would run around the same exact way, laughter would follow us wherever we went. We would spend mud-covered days romping in the dirty dam water with the dogs on the farm, we would ride our bikes down long dirt tracks. Life was good, simple, it was childhood. And then one day we woke up and life as we knew it was never going to be the same. We watched our Mother being carried out of our house, never a thought that that would be it, that we would never get to say goodbye...and just like that, for my brother and I childhood ended that day. Every day since then I have wondered what things would have been like, how different things would have been. It's a hollow echo in my heart day in and day out.
At the end of every day when I go to pick my kids up from daycare, the look on their face is priceless, the love they throw at me overwhelms my very being, and there they are, two little people who rely and depend on me every day for everything. I cannot imagine if something were to happen to me. I never want my kids to have to feel that pain, that loneliness, that emptiness that I have felt every day since the day my Mom died. I wish I could wrap these little people in a huge big bubble and protect them from life, it hurts me to think of the pain they are going to go through in their own lives, I wish I could protect them from that.
My consolation is that as my little people grow they attach to each other it seems, they are getting closer by the day and I hope that in life they always have each other to lean on. Nobody understands you like a sibling does, because nobody else but them experiences the home life that you do. For me, sometimes I feel like, while I'm part of a family, we aren't close, I mean close in terms of talking to each other every week or even emailing every week. I feel close to my family in that I love them all very much, but I feel distant in that I don't think any of them really know who I am as a person, truly know me. We all went our separate ways early on in adult life and I think in a sense as we were finding ourselves we lost sight of each other. It feels lonely sometimes.
All I want is for my little people to grow up in a home that is full of love, a home that makes them feel safe, secure and a home where childhood is childhood and one day as they are adults and telling their kids stories of when they were little, I hope they can remember it, the happy times, the good times. I don't remember childhood, or much of it, I remember that things were once uncomplicated, childhood was once fun.
Sorry for the heavy load. It's hard to explain how much I love my kids and want to protect them and it's only escalated with my own childhood experiences.
Skylar and Ethan are best friends these days, and honestly I thought it would be Ethan who would want to copy Skylar and not the other way around. Well Skylar likes to do things that Ethan does. For example the other night she is crying in bed so I go up there and she is crying because she wants pajamas like Ethan's. In the morning she wants to wear a coat like Ethan, and really the list goes on. It's funny. And he, well I suppose he does everything she does too. It's almost funny to watch them, they are practically clones of one another, only Ethan is a boy and Skylar...well she's a girl of course. DUH!
So the problem lately is that Ethan won't leave his ...in his words "pee-pee" alone. The boy loves it, plays with it all the time. My Hub seems to think that we have a freak son who is obsessed with his boy bits. I keep trying to reassure him that all is fine and it's a normal thing for little boys to do. Hub is not buying it. As per the doc though, it's normal. He's a little Al Bundy, hands down his pants every moment he can find. It's a phase, it will pass. Wait a minute...I don't know a grown man that has outgrown that phase. Oh well. As long as once he gets older he learns the "pee-pee" etiquette and leaves it alone in public. Then we are okay!
Skylar has started preschool and is loving every single second of it. She cried the first two days she went and now when I drop her off she barely says goodbye to me and is off playing with something. I love that she loves it. She needed it and she is thriving on it. She is so excited in the mornings to go it makes me know that it's a good place for her. She cannot stop talking about her teachers and her new friends and all the neat things they do. For Thanksgiving they were asked what they were grateful for, Skylar's read as such "My Baby Brother (first), Mommy, Daddy, Grandmas and Grandpas" I just about died when I read it on the wall of thanks! How darn cute is that? Of course Ethan came first.
Well I really could go on and on and on and on, but I won't. Perhaps I will just start to blog my once weekly (heard that before?) like I am supposed to instead of trying to fit a whole month of little people love into one blog entry.
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