Deep Thoughts

Lately I find myself watching my kids and I will just stand there and watch them play and laugh and copy each other. They are so carefree. I think back to a time in my life when I was a child and my brother and I would run around the same exact way, laughter would follow us wherever we went. We would spend mud-covered days romping in the dirty dam water with the dogs on the farm, we would ride our bikes down long dirt tracks. Life was good, simple, it was childhood. And then one day we woke up and life as we knew it was never going to be the same. We watched our Mother being carried out of our house, never a thought that that would be it, that we would never get to say goodbye...and just like that, for my brother and I childhood ended that day. Every day since then I have wondered what things would have been like, how different things would have been. It's a hollow echo in my heart day in and day out.

At the end of every day when I go to pick my kids up from daycare, the look on their face is priceless, the love they throw at me overwhelms my very being, and there they are, two little people who rely and depend on me every day for everything. I cannot imagine if something were to happen to me. I never want my kids to have to feel that pain, that loneliness, that emptiness that I have felt every day since the day my Mom died. I wish I could wrap these little people in a huge big bubble and protect them from life, it hurts me to think of the pain they are going to go through in their own lives, I wish I could protect them from that.

My consolation is that as my little people grow they attach to each other it seems, they are getting closer by the day and I hope that in life they always have each other to lean on. Nobody understands you like a sibling does, because nobody else but them experiences the home life that you do. For me, sometimes I feel like, while I'm part of a family, we aren't close, I mean close in terms of talking to each other every week or even emailing every week. I feel close to my family in that I love them all very much, but I feel distant in that I don't think any of them really know who I am as a person, truly know me. We all went our separate ways early on in adult life and I think in a sense as we were finding ourselves we lost sight of each other. It feels lonely sometimes.

All I want is for my little people to grow up in a home that is full of love, a home that makes them feel safe, secure and a home where childhood is childhood and one day as they are adults and telling their kids stories of when they were little, I hope they can remember it, the happy times, the good times. I don't remember childhood, or much of it, I remember that things were once uncomplicated, childhood was once fun.

Sorry for the heavy load. It's hard to explain how much I love my kids and want to protect them and it's only escalated with my own childhood experiences.

Skylar and Ethan are best friends these days, and honestly I thought it would be Ethan who would want to copy Skylar and not the other way around. Well Skylar likes to do things that Ethan does. For example the other night she is crying in bed so I go up there and she is crying because she wants pajamas like Ethan's. In the morning she wants to wear a coat like Ethan, and really the list goes on. It's funny. And he, well I suppose he does everything she does too. It's almost funny to watch them, they are practically clones of one another, only Ethan is a boy and Skylar...well she's a girl of course. DUH!

So the problem lately is that Ethan won't leave his ...in his words "pee-pee" alone. The boy loves it, plays with it all the time. My Hub seems to think that we have a freak son who is obsessed with his boy bits. I keep trying to reassure him that all is fine and it's a normal thing for little boys to do. Hub is not buying it. As per the doc though, it's normal. He's a little Al Bundy, hands down his pants every moment he can find. It's a phase, it will pass. Wait a minute...I don't know a grown man that has outgrown that phase. Oh well. As long as once he gets older he learns the "pee-pee" etiquette and leaves it alone in public. Then we are okay!

Skylar has started preschool and is loving every single second of it. She cried the first two days she went and now when I drop her off she barely says goodbye to me and is off playing with something. I love that she loves it. She needed it and she is thriving on it. She is so excited in the mornings to go it makes me know that it's a good place for her. She cannot stop talking about her teachers and her new friends and all the neat things they do. For Thanksgiving they were asked what they were grateful for, Skylar's read as such "My Baby Brother (first), Mommy, Daddy, Grandmas and Grandpas" I just about died when I read it on the wall of thanks! How darn cute is that? Of course Ethan came first.

Well I really could go on and on and on and on, but I won't. Perhaps I will just start to blog my once weekly (heard that before?) like I am supposed to instead of trying to fit a whole month of little people love into one blog entry.

Luf You

So the other day I'm standing in the kitchen and Skylar comes over and puts her arms around my legs and squeezes me and says "I love you Mommy". Melts my heart. Then Ethan who does everything his big sister does comes over and puts his little arms around my leg, rest his head on my knee cap and looks up at me and says "luf you" OMG! Is it possible to love these little people anymore than I already do? It's moments like that in life where you just want time to stop and you want to keep the picture and the feeling in your heart forever.

It's been a busy time with pumpkin patches and pumpkin carving and all the Halloween festivities. We went to a pumpkin patch and there were scarecrows all over the place. All the scarecrows that were sitting on the ground, Ethan pile-drived. He jumped on every one of them-too stinking funny.

Skylar has been asking me to go to school F-O-R-E-V-E-R and so one week from today she will be starting preschool. Last night she is sitting on our bed and promptly announces that she doesn't want to go to school anymore. What? We have been building up to this moment for the past year and now she doesn't want to go anymore. I'm guessing she was just tired and cranky and blurted it out without meaning a word of it. Arghhh!

Grandma and Grandpa will be arriving for a visit this week, Skylar is about bursting out of her tiny little body. It's going to be a fun time.

Ethan is talking up a storm these days, it's so fun to hear all the fun things he says. Whenever he sees Elmo he is especially enthusiastic and blurts out "ELMO" he also loves trucks and cars and when he heard the fire engine sirens the other days he said "fire truck!" He's at such a great age where every second he is doing something new.

Skylar is still the same beautiful little spirit she always is. Lately she seems a little quieter. I can't help but wonder what is going on in her little head. I wish I knew what they did while I was gone all day, I wish I knew if she was truly happy every day at daycare. I wish I knew everything. For the sake of the hub-I DO know everything BTW.

There is so much beauty to my life, I try to appreciate all of it, the hub, the tiny little people who wrap their little arms around my legs and say "luf you Mommy". If I have nothing else in life I have my family and really I think that's enough.

Scary Guys in the Closet

There is not a day that goes by that I don't look at my kids in complete awe of their innocence and chilhood sweetness. I love how there is so much new stuff to learn and to explore and to discover, the world is so new and full of promise. Each thing they do, each new thing they discover, each new fear...it all just amazes me.

The Hub thought it a good idea to let Skylar watch a snippet of ET (no-not Entertainment Tonight) the other day, yep he sure did! Anyhoo, she sat glued to the TV watching some strange (albeit cute) alien -like creature for about 5 minutes. Five minutes is all it took to have her terrified out of her little mind. She burst out crying right then and there on the spot. Of course I said it wasn't a good idea!!! Did anyone (i.e. hubby) listen? Phhht, of course not. So off to bed she goes, 15 minutes later I hear distraught screaming from her room. I run in there to find her bolt upright in her bed with the most terrified face. I asked her what was wrong and she proceeds to tell me how there are scary guys in her closet. Poor little baby. And why may I ask are the monsters always in the closet? Couldn't they hide other places, like behind the door or under the bed? Does it always have to be in the closet?

Why do boys have a naturally adventurous spirit where they have no fear and think they can do anything without any kind of consequences? And why do big boys remind us of little boys so much, is it that they never truly grow up? I have found many similarities between the hub and the little mini hub. I will list them, and I apologise ahead of time for the use of the word shhh*penis*shhhhh. So with that said, I will start out on that point. Do they ever learn to leave it alone? They take up most of the bed at all times without any regard for the other warm bodies fighting for a sliver of mattress. They love boobs. They believe that they and only they are right at all times (oh wait..that could be me!). Okay so I thought I had more things to list but really what it boils down to is this...my son and my hub seem like the same person, only Ethan a tiny little version of his Daddy, I just wonder, do they ever grow up?

There is nothing like watching siblings learn about each other, watching them grow close and bond in a way only siblings can. I, in the last two weeks or so, have really seen Skylar and Ethan come together, she-watching over him, he -just watching!

Chewbacca

Hubby pointed out something interesting this weekend...Skylar sounds like Chewbacca when she sobs. So I paid some attention, pulled up Chewy and listened. WHOA - she DOES sound like Chewbacca!!! Ha Ha Ha. I have my very own Chewy, she's just not as hairy.

Yesterday Ethan hit me in the head (about 100 times) but on this one occasion I sent him to time-out. We were sitting in the living room when it happened, I told him his behaviour was not acceptable and told him to go to time-out. I didn't know he would willingly tromp off down the hallway to the time-out corner though. Off he went, not a peep all the way down the hallway, he plops down and promptly bursts out crying (head back, hand over his mouth...such drama). It was the cutest, funniest, saddest thing ever. I just love this age, everything is so darn cute I could scream. He was okay with time-out till he realised where he was I suppose. Of course when Skylar heard him crying she went in and told him he could come out. She loves to mediate the discipline the house, and hates to hear her baby brother cry.

So season two of soccer is underway and Skylar is loving it. I can't believe how awesome she is doing, she is the littlest person out there, but like one of the other Mom's said, she is not to be under-estimated.

I can't believe we are in the last week of Summer. Where has the time gone? I'm sad that Summer is coming to an end, snow is awaiting, cold, long, dreary football filled days loom ahead. YUCKO! Can you tell I'm excited about Winter...and football? Time to put away the picnic table and umbrellas, dig out the snow boots and winter coats. I put a pair of long PJ's on Ethan last night...they have Santa on them! Long PJ's are long PJ's people...Santa or not.

Rules

So yes, I know, I thought I would get back on track and be better about posting every week. But life got busy again, this time I truly was busy, I wasn't off moping in some corner...honest!



Anyhoo, so I started my new job, yes sir-ee-bob, I have embarked on a new journey, a happier one, one that will allow me to work from home. Life is good these days.



I've noticed lately that my kids have rules about things, rules about what can touch what on the plate of food, rules about what cup they drink out of, rules...rules...rules. For example, Ethan LOVES to read. So I tell him to get me a book and he waddles off to oblige, he returns with the book of his choosing and hands it to me with much satisfaction. Then he stands there. I have to actually invite him to sit on my lap so we can read the book, I have to say..."okay Ethan, sit down and we can read the book". If I don't utter those words, he will continue to stand and stare at me. Now when Brian reads to him, he hands over the book and promptly plops down. Rules only apply to me apparently!



As for Skylar, well she now has lined up about six or eight stuffed animals at the bottom of her bed, we have to cover them with a blanket and put them to sleep every night before she will lay down. Well, of course as you can imagine, I now comply and lay them all down (them laying down is an important key) and then cover them up so just their heads stick up. The other night I got her all tucked in and settled down, animals were all snug and laying down. Ten minutes later I hear her crying, I go up to the room and she is sitting up straight in bed pointing at the beaver (it's a long story as to why she has a stuffed animal that is a beaver), who quite coincidentally is the scariest one of them all, and she says "he won't lay down". Okay, so I understand the rules, but can we not make it quite so creepy? It's as if I laid the beaver down, tucked him in nicely and Skylar to boot and all of a sudden I left the room and the beaver sat up straight and harassed Skylar as she was trying to sleep. I was a little creeped out I have to say. "He won't lay down Mommy". Did you ask him and he said no? Did he tell you why he needed to be the only one sitting up straight when everyone else was fast asleep? Anyway, I laid the rogue beaver back down and this time he seemed to comply with the rules and soon everyone was fast asleep. That creepy little beaver!



Ethan has taken three to four hour naps all weekend long...the sleep Gods are shining brightly on me.

Never Trust a Toddler in Public

Let me set the scene. Skylar needs to potty, we happen to be at Target so off we got to pee. She is doing her thing when a lady walks into the stall next to us, sits down and lets all out...yeah you know what I mean!

Anyhoo, what ensues is a belly-ache of a laugh, and of course has me in fits laughing all to myself now when I find myself in public restrooms.

Okay, back to the scene of the "crime" or the "scene of the humiliation".

Lady lets er rip (so to speak) and Skylar loudly says, "Ewww Mommy - who did that?" I try to hush her...but no...she goes on. "Ewwww (of course she starts each sentence with a preface of EWWWW just to emphasize her disgust and to heighten my humiliation) Mommy that lady is going poop!" she says. And then says, "Ewww Mommy, I don't like poop!"

Okay so I am at the sink now, trying to hurry her out while I am crippled with laughter, she has the face of disgust, nose turned up and eyes wrinkled as she exits the bathroom.

So funny, and humiliating all the same time. There is no such thing as holding back your thoughts when you are three is there? The girl speaks her mind, what can I say!

And in another instance of Skylar saying what's on her mind...Old Navy...lady with a serious 80's teased out do...Skylar..."Hey Mommy - look at that ladies funny hair!"

Ahh yes, let the honestly roll off your tongue sweetie...Mommy can take it.

I love it!

Blog Love

I love when I find a new blog to read. It makes me realise how many wonderful, beautiful woman there are out there who go through the same things I do on a daily basis. Only sometimes they seem to have a better sense of humour about it.

I have a wide variety of Mommy-bloggers who I love to read. They bring inspiration and clarity sometimes when I feel like I need it the most. It's like a therapy session without breaking the bank, it's a friendship without any effort, it's an understanding without the judgement. I love the world of blogging.

I have read so many blogs about lives torn apart and rebuilt by a number of different things. The thing I love is the pure honesty with which some woman write, they say things "out loud" that I can only think. It seems sometimes I am so afraid to say how I feel out loud that instead I just internalise it and I drive myself crazy. Well honestly, I drive myself and everyone around me (i.e. the hub) crazy! I think I'm a horrible person, a horrible wife, a horrible Mother, a horrible friend. The reality is, I'm only normal. Wow-who woulda thunk...me...NORMAL.

Whoa!

I sometimes feel so bogged down by the "woe is me" syndrome that I forget I'm not the only woman in the world who has endured struggles and who hates herself from time to time. I'm just one of so many beautiful souls out there trying to figure out life as it goes.

I envy the honesty, I envy the way they can come out and say the things that eat me up. But my goal from now on is to no longer envy but to join the ranks of the brutally honest and come out and just say it-damn it. Arghh, does this mean I need to break down my carefully built wall? I guess so.

Let the exorcism begin.

Not today though.