Sounds a little somber I know, but that's the mood today. Yesterday was a hard day for me, I'm not entirely sure why but my Mom was on my mind a lot yesterday. I guess now that I am a Mother with these two small people who rely on me for everything, I just cannot imagine being gone from them in the blink of an eye. I have always had bad thoughts right before I fall asleep at night, some induce panic attacks others set off a marathon of runs into the kids’ room to check on them. Whatever the beginning of the thoughts and whatever the outcome is, it happens all the time. I think I've realized that is has to do with some pretty significant events in my life. Well for one, waking up paralyzed just one day clear out of the blue, and for two waking up one morning and two hours later she was gone from my life forever. Well physically that is. My Mom is always on my mind and she will forever be a part of my life, a part of who I am and a part of the way I teach my kids and raise them.
Some of the process, the life, the death, the full circle thing, doesn't always seem fair does it? My fear these days is not so much dying, but dying and not being remembered. Especially by the two little people I gave life to. I try each day to bond more deeply with them, to try and establish things between us that are ours, little things, like things we might say to each other, or things that we do together. It's as if I spend every day trying to make a mark on their lives so that if something were to happen to me that they will have something to remember me by. It's crazy I know it is. I'm just afraid, I'm afraid that they will forever be left with the same questions that I continue to have today well into my adult life. The pain never goes away and I'm not sure it ever gets any easier either.
Speaking of things we do together, Skylar has now taken to moving the "snuggle time" from my bed to hers. So at night I climb into her tiny little toddler bed with her and we snuggle. I love it, I feel so close to her, she cozies into me and I can feel her relax. Love truly is a beautiful thing. To feel loved and to be able to love back is the most incredible human emotion in my opinion.
Well my little man had his birthday party, it was a huge success. My cake turned out wonderfully and I'm really chuffed with myself (for those of you who are wondering what "chuffed" means, it's a South African slang term we use which means "pleased"). Things went well, he loved his cake and while I didn't get to watch him eat most of it, I know he loved the icing and at one point when it was all gone he cried until someone gave him some more. That little guy...he is just so damn cute! He got very spoilt and loves all his new toys, so too does his Sister.
I cannot believe Ethan will be one tomorrow, it's kind of a sad day for me. I know that I am done having kids, or should I say, the hub is done having kids, so it's as if I'll never get to live these moments again. This is it, he's my last baby and he's getting big too fast.
Skylar and Ethan spent the day with G and G Robl on Monday instead of going to daycare, Grandpa and Skylar came to pick me up from work and she had a red, dirty face from playing outside. She was the picture of childhood. I love it.
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