Times have Changed - And Then There Were Three!

I don’t claim to know all things, some things…well most things (at least that’s what I tell my kids), but not ALL things. I do know this though. I know that the decisions I have made in my life are not based purely on selfish needs, I know that I have thought them through and determined a course without haste. I know that every day I try a little harder to smooth the path that got so bumpy, to steady the little footsteps of those that walk beside me, to help them over the roadblocks, to pick them up when they fall, to hold them when they cry. It’s not always easy feeling responsible for the direction of the lives you change, the burden can feel heavy, the fears can be suffocating and the anger can seem never ending. I also know that I do not need anyone’s judgement or opinion. I need only your love and support or your complete distance.

 Adulthood is so far from the reality of what I thought it would be as a child. I couldn’t wait to grow up, to get married, to have a real job. Now I just wish I could take a nap and run around outside in just my undies if I want.

 I do not believe in self ­pity, I do however believe in compassion. In a world where we are judged by so many and known by so few it just seems so off balance. When I first got separated from my husband of 16 years I knew that decision would come with some negative judgement, with people talking, assuming and making up their own version of whatever story they wanted to tell. I tried really hard to stay true to the motto I wanted to endure those times with, “Those who know me and love me will know the truth”. It held tight. Those who know me and love me do know the truth and those who don’t know me and judged me are wrong and misinformed. There is a small twinge of satisfaction in knowing that too.

 My kids are strong and brilliant, funny and outgoing. They are the reason I wanted something so much better for my life. We as society put everyone in the same box with the same set of rules for the game of life. I have no interest in playing by the rules to avoid judgement, I would rather be an example of how changing the rules can make it better. I do believe in marriage and all the wonderful things that come with it, don’t get me wrong. I never in a gazillion years imagined this would be my life. I never imagined a day without the man I married. But life happens and when we fall so far that we think there is no way out we have to change the rules.

 I don’t know all things, but I do know this. I know that happiness is important, those who love us will always be there, those who don’t, well we don’t need them. I know that my children are strong and that I have not ruined their lives forever. I know that childhood is hard, as is life and no matter what choices I make I can only do the best I can for all of us. Judge me if you must, but before you do, at least know me.

 And in the words of my eight year old son put so simply “Happiness Wins”

The Things They Say!

Well 2009 is under full swing now, today marking the first day of February already. It's hard to imagine where the time has gone already.

January has been a historic month, so much has happened, so many new seeds being planted, now we are just waiting for the growth. I'm excited that my kids get to grow up in a world where colour seems less important than the character of a person.

Well onto the happenings around the Robl household...Ethan is in a "big boy" bed now. We got Skylar a twin and moved Ethan into the toddler bed. I decked it out with cars and trucks linens and he LOVES his new bed. He - for the most part - even stays in it. I think he feels less trapped now, he loves to climb in and out of his bed throughout the day too, it's like his own little space that he now has complete access to whenever he pleases. I'm so glad the transition was a smooth one. My little boy is growing so fast it makes my heart sore. But at the same time, I love the age he is at, he is so full of personality and character it's a treat getting to know him. He is definately stubborn and stands his ground which makes for a challenge (and a laugh) every now and again.

So, I apologise for the following story that I am about to tell, I try not to bring "potty talk" to the table when I write my blog but this is too funny to pass up. Skylar goes #2 yesterday and after a little bit of a struggle decides she is done. She gets off the seat and turns around to peer into the bowl where there lies one lonely soldier. She remarks "Oh Mommy - poor little guy...he doesn't have any friends!" Ha ha ha ha...OMG, I'm still laughing. I had never thought about a poop being lonely, I guess these are things that concern 3 year olds. Too funny I tell you, too freaking funny.

I am eagerly awaiting Spring, although it seems like it's been a mild Winter, I am so done with cold weather. I long for the warm glow of the sun.

Tonsils...Frosty...Books...Chocolate and other stuff

Phew!!! I survived the holidays in one piece. It really was a nice Christmas this year, quiet but very enjoyable. The kids had a blast and love all their new stuff. There were no gifts this year that required assembly so I had no cause to break down in tears of frustration like I did last year. The packaging seemed a little more parent friendly too this year, easier to get things out and a lot less paper cuts at the end of the day. It was a good time all round.

So one of the gifts the kids got was a snowman making kit, all the stuff you need to decorate a Frosty. We (yes-me included) couldn't wait (makes me sick to wish for snow) for the first big-enough-to-make-a-snowman snowfall. Well yesterday it finally happened. Skylar woke up and saw the snow and immediately asked if we could make a snowman. Of course I said we could as soon as she got home. So I waited for it - I rang the doorbell to daycare, got her coat on, said our hello's and goodbye's, headed out the door, down the stairs, almost to the car "Mommy can we make a snowman?" I knew it...I knew she wouldn't forget!!! So the minute we came home we marched straight out to the backyard and build our first snowman of the season. We decorated him with all the fixings and he looked splendid to say the very least. Then Skylar asked if he was going to move...I sure as hell hope not, that would just freak me out. Frosty looked so good on the patio glowing in the moonlight last night, this morning however paints a different picture. He has some melted spots that are strangely tinted yellow...hmmm, wonder what that could be? I guess the dogs have no respect for the visitor we have in the backyard, or perhaps they were just welcoming him to the yard. Poor guy!

6:40am, Ethan roused from his not so deep sleep and sits up and asks for books. Really? Already? Can it wait just a moment while I try to pry my eye(s) open? Ughhh, fine we'll read. Then he wants down, so he gets down, "come on" he says, as he toddles down the passageway toward the kitchen. "cocalit" he says, as he reaches into the cupboard for a bowl. So books and chocolate, all before I'm awake and all before 7am. This is my boy! Last night for some reason he was yelling about wanting juice all through the night. I'm not sure he was even awake as he was yelling about wanting juice. I know his favourite things in life are...Mommy, Skylar, Daddy, cars, juice, chocolate and books. At a friends house the other night, Ethan picked out a very nice pair of pointy-toed high heel shoes that he strutted around in all night, this Ethan of mine - he's a strange (but incredibly cute) one.

So the news is in - the tonsils must come out. And really, while I'm a worry wart and hate the thought of my child enduring pain, even if for a moment, makes me sick to my stomach, I'm so grateful they are going to yank those enormous suckers out of there. Free up her airway and let her finally breath as she sleeps. And perhaps once she sleeps more soundly, so too will I. So the date is set and now we just wait. My poor baby girl :(

So with a new year having rolled in, I'm excited for the adventures of 2009. Happy New Year everyone, I hope this is a very blessed and happy one for all.

Did Santa come yet??

Says Skylar as she runs inside after being picked up from daycare!!! It's Christmas time again-and oh how I love Christmas with kids. it's just so much fun to watch them get excited with all the things leading up to the big day.

We have taken Skylar and Ethan to see Santa twice now, both times Skylar was in love and had no worries hanging with the S man, but Ethan on the other hand, terrified! Poor little guy. He wants nothing to do with this Santa business. He screamed the first time and the second time I didn't even push the issue, I asked him if he wanted to sit with Santa, he said "no" and shook his head and that was that. Skylar has been telling Santa she wants a kitty, since Tyson passed away last year, she really has wanted another kitty. She won't be getting that this year, but sometime soon we hope. So her sleeping bag that she sleeps on at daycare broke and she needed a new one, so she says to me...thinking first..."I have an idea, maybe I can ask Santa to buy me one." ha ha ha ha, I love it!

So the tree has been up, ornaments have been tugged on, rearranged, some have gone missing, but it's still up. Two kids, two dogs and a cat later - the tree is still standing. I think that's pretty impressive. The moment I am waiting for is Christmas morning when they come into the living room and there before them will be the big moment, Christmas Morning in all it's grandeur. I loved being a kid and waking up on Christmas morning, the tree having bore the fruit of every child's dreams - presents...the all magical presents.

Of course we recognise Christmas for what it is, but as a kid there is nothing more magical than that moment, that first moment of realisation on Christmas morning, the moment when you feel the world around you stand still momentarily while excitement takes hold of every inch of your little body, the moment when you believe in the magic of Christmas. I can't wait to share that moment with my two little people this year. For them it's one thing, for us as parents our magical moment is seeing that happiness in our children, that excitement and knowing that somehow in some small way, other than our every day actions we can make their dreams come true. Being a parent is the best gift I could wish for this Christmas, having 100% patience 100% of the time is a gift I hope to one day receive :)

Merry Christmas everyone.

Deep Thoughts

Lately I find myself watching my kids and I will just stand there and watch them play and laugh and copy each other. They are so carefree. I think back to a time in my life when I was a child and my brother and I would run around the same exact way, laughter would follow us wherever we went. We would spend mud-covered days romping in the dirty dam water with the dogs on the farm, we would ride our bikes down long dirt tracks. Life was good, simple, it was childhood. And then one day we woke up and life as we knew it was never going to be the same. We watched our Mother being carried out of our house, never a thought that that would be it, that we would never get to say goodbye...and just like that, for my brother and I childhood ended that day. Every day since then I have wondered what things would have been like, how different things would have been. It's a hollow echo in my heart day in and day out.

At the end of every day when I go to pick my kids up from daycare, the look on their face is priceless, the love they throw at me overwhelms my very being, and there they are, two little people who rely and depend on me every day for everything. I cannot imagine if something were to happen to me. I never want my kids to have to feel that pain, that loneliness, that emptiness that I have felt every day since the day my Mom died. I wish I could wrap these little people in a huge big bubble and protect them from life, it hurts me to think of the pain they are going to go through in their own lives, I wish I could protect them from that.

My consolation is that as my little people grow they attach to each other it seems, they are getting closer by the day and I hope that in life they always have each other to lean on. Nobody understands you like a sibling does, because nobody else but them experiences the home life that you do. For me, sometimes I feel like, while I'm part of a family, we aren't close, I mean close in terms of talking to each other every week or even emailing every week. I feel close to my family in that I love them all very much, but I feel distant in that I don't think any of them really know who I am as a person, truly know me. We all went our separate ways early on in adult life and I think in a sense as we were finding ourselves we lost sight of each other. It feels lonely sometimes.

All I want is for my little people to grow up in a home that is full of love, a home that makes them feel safe, secure and a home where childhood is childhood and one day as they are adults and telling their kids stories of when they were little, I hope they can remember it, the happy times, the good times. I don't remember childhood, or much of it, I remember that things were once uncomplicated, childhood was once fun.

Sorry for the heavy load. It's hard to explain how much I love my kids and want to protect them and it's only escalated with my own childhood experiences.

Skylar and Ethan are best friends these days, and honestly I thought it would be Ethan who would want to copy Skylar and not the other way around. Well Skylar likes to do things that Ethan does. For example the other night she is crying in bed so I go up there and she is crying because she wants pajamas like Ethan's. In the morning she wants to wear a coat like Ethan, and really the list goes on. It's funny. And he, well I suppose he does everything she does too. It's almost funny to watch them, they are practically clones of one another, only Ethan is a boy and Skylar...well she's a girl of course. DUH!

So the problem lately is that Ethan won't leave his ...in his words "pee-pee" alone. The boy loves it, plays with it all the time. My Hub seems to think that we have a freak son who is obsessed with his boy bits. I keep trying to reassure him that all is fine and it's a normal thing for little boys to do. Hub is not buying it. As per the doc though, it's normal. He's a little Al Bundy, hands down his pants every moment he can find. It's a phase, it will pass. Wait a minute...I don't know a grown man that has outgrown that phase. Oh well. As long as once he gets older he learns the "pee-pee" etiquette and leaves it alone in public. Then we are okay!

Skylar has started preschool and is loving every single second of it. She cried the first two days she went and now when I drop her off she barely says goodbye to me and is off playing with something. I love that she loves it. She needed it and she is thriving on it. She is so excited in the mornings to go it makes me know that it's a good place for her. She cannot stop talking about her teachers and her new friends and all the neat things they do. For Thanksgiving they were asked what they were grateful for, Skylar's read as such "My Baby Brother (first), Mommy, Daddy, Grandmas and Grandpas" I just about died when I read it on the wall of thanks! How darn cute is that? Of course Ethan came first.

Well I really could go on and on and on and on, but I won't. Perhaps I will just start to blog my once weekly (heard that before?) like I am supposed to instead of trying to fit a whole month of little people love into one blog entry.

Luf You

So the other day I'm standing in the kitchen and Skylar comes over and puts her arms around my legs and squeezes me and says "I love you Mommy". Melts my heart. Then Ethan who does everything his big sister does comes over and puts his little arms around my leg, rest his head on my knee cap and looks up at me and says "luf you" OMG! Is it possible to love these little people anymore than I already do? It's moments like that in life where you just want time to stop and you want to keep the picture and the feeling in your heart forever.

It's been a busy time with pumpkin patches and pumpkin carving and all the Halloween festivities. We went to a pumpkin patch and there were scarecrows all over the place. All the scarecrows that were sitting on the ground, Ethan pile-drived. He jumped on every one of them-too stinking funny.

Skylar has been asking me to go to school F-O-R-E-V-E-R and so one week from today she will be starting preschool. Last night she is sitting on our bed and promptly announces that she doesn't want to go to school anymore. What? We have been building up to this moment for the past year and now she doesn't want to go anymore. I'm guessing she was just tired and cranky and blurted it out without meaning a word of it. Arghhh!

Grandma and Grandpa will be arriving for a visit this week, Skylar is about bursting out of her tiny little body. It's going to be a fun time.

Ethan is talking up a storm these days, it's so fun to hear all the fun things he says. Whenever he sees Elmo he is especially enthusiastic and blurts out "ELMO" he also loves trucks and cars and when he heard the fire engine sirens the other days he said "fire truck!" He's at such a great age where every second he is doing something new.

Skylar is still the same beautiful little spirit she always is. Lately she seems a little quieter. I can't help but wonder what is going on in her little head. I wish I knew what they did while I was gone all day, I wish I knew if she was truly happy every day at daycare. I wish I knew everything. For the sake of the hub-I DO know everything BTW.

There is so much beauty to my life, I try to appreciate all of it, the hub, the tiny little people who wrap their little arms around my legs and say "luf you Mommy". If I have nothing else in life I have my family and really I think that's enough.

Scary Guys in the Closet

There is not a day that goes by that I don't look at my kids in complete awe of their innocence and chilhood sweetness. I love how there is so much new stuff to learn and to explore and to discover, the world is so new and full of promise. Each thing they do, each new thing they discover, each new fear...it all just amazes me.

The Hub thought it a good idea to let Skylar watch a snippet of ET (no-not Entertainment Tonight) the other day, yep he sure did! Anyhoo, she sat glued to the TV watching some strange (albeit cute) alien -like creature for about 5 minutes. Five minutes is all it took to have her terrified out of her little mind. She burst out crying right then and there on the spot. Of course I said it wasn't a good idea!!! Did anyone (i.e. hubby) listen? Phhht, of course not. So off to bed she goes, 15 minutes later I hear distraught screaming from her room. I run in there to find her bolt upright in her bed with the most terrified face. I asked her what was wrong and she proceeds to tell me how there are scary guys in her closet. Poor little baby. And why may I ask are the monsters always in the closet? Couldn't they hide other places, like behind the door or under the bed? Does it always have to be in the closet?

Why do boys have a naturally adventurous spirit where they have no fear and think they can do anything without any kind of consequences? And why do big boys remind us of little boys so much, is it that they never truly grow up? I have found many similarities between the hub and the little mini hub. I will list them, and I apologise ahead of time for the use of the word shhh*penis*shhhhh. So with that said, I will start out on that point. Do they ever learn to leave it alone? They take up most of the bed at all times without any regard for the other warm bodies fighting for a sliver of mattress. They love boobs. They believe that they and only they are right at all times (oh wait..that could be me!). Okay so I thought I had more things to list but really what it boils down to is this...my son and my hub seem like the same person, only Ethan a tiny little version of his Daddy, I just wonder, do they ever grow up?

There is nothing like watching siblings learn about each other, watching them grow close and bond in a way only siblings can. I, in the last two weeks or so, have really seen Skylar and Ethan come together, she-watching over him, he -just watching!

Chewbacca

Hubby pointed out something interesting this weekend...Skylar sounds like Chewbacca when she sobs. So I paid some attention, pulled up Chewy and listened. WHOA - she DOES sound like Chewbacca!!! Ha Ha Ha. I have my very own Chewy, she's just not as hairy.

Yesterday Ethan hit me in the head (about 100 times) but on this one occasion I sent him to time-out. We were sitting in the living room when it happened, I told him his behaviour was not acceptable and told him to go to time-out. I didn't know he would willingly tromp off down the hallway to the time-out corner though. Off he went, not a peep all the way down the hallway, he plops down and promptly bursts out crying (head back, hand over his mouth...such drama). It was the cutest, funniest, saddest thing ever. I just love this age, everything is so darn cute I could scream. He was okay with time-out till he realised where he was I suppose. Of course when Skylar heard him crying she went in and told him he could come out. She loves to mediate the discipline the house, and hates to hear her baby brother cry.

So season two of soccer is underway and Skylar is loving it. I can't believe how awesome she is doing, she is the littlest person out there, but like one of the other Mom's said, she is not to be under-estimated.

I can't believe we are in the last week of Summer. Where has the time gone? I'm sad that Summer is coming to an end, snow is awaiting, cold, long, dreary football filled days loom ahead. YUCKO! Can you tell I'm excited about Winter...and football? Time to put away the picnic table and umbrellas, dig out the snow boots and winter coats. I put a pair of long PJ's on Ethan last night...they have Santa on them! Long PJ's are long PJ's people...Santa or not.

Rules

So yes, I know, I thought I would get back on track and be better about posting every week. But life got busy again, this time I truly was busy, I wasn't off moping in some corner...honest!



Anyhoo, so I started my new job, yes sir-ee-bob, I have embarked on a new journey, a happier one, one that will allow me to work from home. Life is good these days.



I've noticed lately that my kids have rules about things, rules about what can touch what on the plate of food, rules about what cup they drink out of, rules...rules...rules. For example, Ethan LOVES to read. So I tell him to get me a book and he waddles off to oblige, he returns with the book of his choosing and hands it to me with much satisfaction. Then he stands there. I have to actually invite him to sit on my lap so we can read the book, I have to say..."okay Ethan, sit down and we can read the book". If I don't utter those words, he will continue to stand and stare at me. Now when Brian reads to him, he hands over the book and promptly plops down. Rules only apply to me apparently!



As for Skylar, well she now has lined up about six or eight stuffed animals at the bottom of her bed, we have to cover them with a blanket and put them to sleep every night before she will lay down. Well, of course as you can imagine, I now comply and lay them all down (them laying down is an important key) and then cover them up so just their heads stick up. The other night I got her all tucked in and settled down, animals were all snug and laying down. Ten minutes later I hear her crying, I go up to the room and she is sitting up straight in bed pointing at the beaver (it's a long story as to why she has a stuffed animal that is a beaver), who quite coincidentally is the scariest one of them all, and she says "he won't lay down". Okay, so I understand the rules, but can we not make it quite so creepy? It's as if I laid the beaver down, tucked him in nicely and Skylar to boot and all of a sudden I left the room and the beaver sat up straight and harassed Skylar as she was trying to sleep. I was a little creeped out I have to say. "He won't lay down Mommy". Did you ask him and he said no? Did he tell you why he needed to be the only one sitting up straight when everyone else was fast asleep? Anyway, I laid the rogue beaver back down and this time he seemed to comply with the rules and soon everyone was fast asleep. That creepy little beaver!



Ethan has taken three to four hour naps all weekend long...the sleep Gods are shining brightly on me.

Never Trust a Toddler in Public

Let me set the scene. Skylar needs to potty, we happen to be at Target so off we got to pee. She is doing her thing when a lady walks into the stall next to us, sits down and lets all out...yeah you know what I mean!

Anyhoo, what ensues is a belly-ache of a laugh, and of course has me in fits laughing all to myself now when I find myself in public restrooms.

Okay, back to the scene of the "crime" or the "scene of the humiliation".

Lady lets er rip (so to speak) and Skylar loudly says, "Ewww Mommy - who did that?" I try to hush her...but no...she goes on. "Ewwww (of course she starts each sentence with a preface of EWWWW just to emphasize her disgust and to heighten my humiliation) Mommy that lady is going poop!" she says. And then says, "Ewww Mommy, I don't like poop!"

Okay so I am at the sink now, trying to hurry her out while I am crippled with laughter, she has the face of disgust, nose turned up and eyes wrinkled as she exits the bathroom.

So funny, and humiliating all the same time. There is no such thing as holding back your thoughts when you are three is there? The girl speaks her mind, what can I say!

And in another instance of Skylar saying what's on her mind...Old Navy...lady with a serious 80's teased out do...Skylar..."Hey Mommy - look at that ladies funny hair!"

Ahh yes, let the honestly roll off your tongue sweetie...Mommy can take it.

I love it!

Blog Love

I love when I find a new blog to read. It makes me realise how many wonderful, beautiful woman there are out there who go through the same things I do on a daily basis. Only sometimes they seem to have a better sense of humour about it.

I have a wide variety of Mommy-bloggers who I love to read. They bring inspiration and clarity sometimes when I feel like I need it the most. It's like a therapy session without breaking the bank, it's a friendship without any effort, it's an understanding without the judgement. I love the world of blogging.

I have read so many blogs about lives torn apart and rebuilt by a number of different things. The thing I love is the pure honesty with which some woman write, they say things "out loud" that I can only think. It seems sometimes I am so afraid to say how I feel out loud that instead I just internalise it and I drive myself crazy. Well honestly, I drive myself and everyone around me (i.e. the hub) crazy! I think I'm a horrible person, a horrible wife, a horrible Mother, a horrible friend. The reality is, I'm only normal. Wow-who woulda thunk...me...NORMAL.

Whoa!

I sometimes feel so bogged down by the "woe is me" syndrome that I forget I'm not the only woman in the world who has endured struggles and who hates herself from time to time. I'm just one of so many beautiful souls out there trying to figure out life as it goes.

I envy the honesty, I envy the way they can come out and say the things that eat me up. But my goal from now on is to no longer envy but to join the ranks of the brutally honest and come out and just say it-damn it. Arghh, does this mean I need to break down my carefully built wall? I guess so.

Let the exorcism begin.

Not today though.

Debbie Downer Alert!!!!

So I have this insane thing about having to come into work in the morning and open my internet to CNN. I read every story I can, including all the ones that send utter horror waves through my body to the core of my soul. I don't know why I read some of the stuff I do. Clearly I'm not emotionally equipped to deal with most of it. I'll open a story, read it and then sit and sob at my desk. Most times these are the stories about children being hurt or killed. I then will sit and stare at my screen with pictures of my babies on it and cry some more while I think about how utterly horrible it would be if something happened to one of them.

Last night I was watching Hopkins...again...probably shouldn't be watching that either. But there was a story on there about a little 9 year old who drowned at a birthday party, and while she wasn't dead so-to-speak, she was brain-dead and her parents were faced with the decision of having to turn off her life support. I can't think how hard that would be. In reality though, my parents went through that with me. I never realised the extent of the trauma my illness brought to them, I never gave them enough credit for the incredible strength they found during that time. Being a Mom, now I realise how hard that time must have been for them. I cannot imagine the desperation of knowing that your child is gone...forever!

After Skylar's choking incident I'm still a mess. Yesterday I was driving to pick them up from daycare and something got me thinking back to that moment and I felt the panic rushing through my body, the panic that consumes me to where I can hardly breath and almost have to stop the car to slap myself and get a grip. This will haunt me forever. I cannot for one minute imagine how I would find strength to wake up the next day if something awful happened to one of my kids. I'm sure like so many parents, you find that strength, and I applaud those people, I applaud that incredible will to go on despite the hurt that they have to carry every day.

We know a family who is going through so much right now. Their little boy had a choking accident at daycare and stopped breathing for 3 to 5 minutes. He died at the daycare but was revived by the paramedics, he then died two other times and revived. His parents were told he would be in a permanent vegetative state for the rest of his life, but over the last three years he has made remarkable progress, while he will never heal completely he is a bright beautiful light. I was looking at his care page and the photo’s, his little sister by his side smiling and hugging him in so many of those. What an incredible family, they have been through so much and they fight every day for him. He is surrounded by angels who love him so much. I had to stop reading (imagine that), too much for me to handle. It’s strange how I never have recollection of my time spent with a trach fighting for my life, but looking at him, reading his story is more than I can take, it’s too painful. I’ll say it again-what an incredible family, they live with so much hope and courage and love.

Whoa! A heavy load for the day. What a post to mark my three week hiatus from writing. I've just not felt the urge in the last couple weeks. It's either I have too much to say and can't get it all out or I feel like I have nothing to say at all. So has been the last month for me. Sometimes life is harder to digest than other times.

It's been an incredible month though in the lives of the little people who keep me smiling. Ethan is finally walking and talks a lot more now. Skylar is beautiful as always, she has the gentlest, sweetest nature and is so loving. I soak up all the love she throws at me. I feel so guilty sometimes for being frustrated with aspects of my life, I look around and I'm a lucky girl. I feel guilty when I cry for me. I wonder if I have anything to cry about, and how much should I expect, how frustrated do I need to feel...and do I really need to be so hard on myself all the time?

It's been a long, strange, beautiful month.Now I need to pull my head out my ass and focus again. Focus on the good and forgive, and love and dream and get back to being funny instead of so damn serious. Life is beautiful isn’t it. I read CNN and I’m horrified at the things people do to each other but in the same breath I read about AJ and I’m full of hope again.

B-I-N-G-O

And Bingo was his name-O! I have this ridiculous song stuck in my head thanks to Skylars new found singing talents and her incessant need to hum a tune. Of all the songs...seriously? Even Yankee Doodle would be a better choice at this point.

So my little girl is now a whopping three years old. This is a bitter sweet process, watching them grow and learn and change. I yearn for the days when I could hold her tiny little body close and feel her nuzzle into my neck, the way Ethan still does, but at the same time I love all the new things I get to experience with her. I love the big hugs and kisses that she is capable of now, the (endless) conversations about everything. She is so observant, smart and funny...she's just like me...okay okay, so she's smarter, funnier and way more observant. Geesh, always trying to fish for one aren't I? She is just at an age where she glows, that sweet, innocent, childhood glow. I bask in it, I drink it in and I wonder when the hell I ended up with wrinkles. Whoa, sorry, way off topic.

Ethan is a climbing fool these days, climbs into, onto and around E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G. The boy has no fear...well that's not entirely true. He is, as we have discovered, afraid of the "horsie ride" at King Soopers. (Sorry Son, I have to tell). He will go down a death-defying six foot drop of a slide without batting an eyelid, but will not trot gently on a stationery horse. Perhaps the horse ride is not manly enough for his tastes and thus screams bloody-murder in protest of it. That's it isn't it? That's our story and we are sticking with it.

July 4th-the essence of Summer. Fireworks and BBQ's. Screaming, over-tired kids.

And BINGO was his name-O!

Culture Shock

As a child growing up in South Africa all I ever knew was what was around me. I watched how other Mothers (including my own) mothered their kids, I tried to take it all in and get all the tips I could for one day when I would have bambinos of my own. The problem is this, that was there, and now I am here. So, often times I find myself immersed in a culture of Moms who do things so completely differently than I am used to. Not bad different...just different different. Know what I mean? Or am I sounding a little crazy right now?

It's hard to explain this day to day confusion that I experience. I grew up in a simple way, on a farm, barefoot, chasing chickens, with no running hot water and an out-house for a loo (toilet) for the first part of my life and in a small (horribly small) town for the rest. There are so many times I wonder if my way of parenting my kids is the right way, or the wrong way or the OH MY GOD way. I think some of my confusion is caused by the parenting culture shock that I run into. I remember as a kid, and I don't remember a lot, but I do remember childhood being simple, nothing fancy, just plain dirty old fashioned fun. Being a kid now seems so complicated. I worry that I'm not equipped to deal with it, I worry that I don't know enough to identify the needs of my kids in this cultural context. I worry that since I can't identify them that I pass that onto them and leave them feeling on the outside too. It's very confusing. I try very hard, trust me, but there are times I just don't get it and other times that I just point-blank refuse to do it a certain way.

It's a toughie! Life is complex isn't it? And besides, I needed something to worry about today, so here I am…worried that I suck as a Mother in the culture I choose to live.

Birthday Party...Round Two!

So yes, birthday fever is back and once again I find myself in the throws of party planning. Only this time it's for 14 kids and all their parents. (I say this as I am hyper-ventilating into a brown paper bag with one hand and wiping the sweat from my brow with the other.) Yes, I know, I am not one for big parties that are over-the-top usually, but this one, well it's not over the top it's just a lot of kids. We will be having Skylar's third birthday party at Pump It Up on Friday. It's a large indoor inflatable party place. I think. I've never been, only heard what a blast it is. The bonus is, all the parents get to play too, for free! So the venue itself is taken care of, I have no worries about set up or clean up which is great, but what has me sweating and breathing like I'm in labor is feeding everyone. I'm making Skylar a ladybug cake for her birthday but since I have so many people to feed I'm thinking now I need to make two since I cannot find a 14'round cake pan to make one giant ladybug. I have cut-out cookies to make and two cakes. It doesn't sound that daunting, but really it is. I also have the little boxes that I'm putting together to send home with the kids. I got plain white boxes that Skylar painted and then I'm going to fill them with some candy and attach a note saying "thanks for coming". It's simple enough, but it all takes time.

Why do I do this to myself you might ask? Well the answer is simple. I thrive on it, without stress I am nothing. Without taking on more than I can chew most the time, I would be bored and unchallenged. It's the thrill of crunch time, and then looking back and thinking, phew...am I super woman or what? It's not the end result but the process that thrills me. It's sad...but true! I love to be busy and I love to be creative and if I can be busy being creative I'm in my element. Now, I don't doubt I'll cry, I'll be in a bad mood for a while, I'll feel completely overwhelmed, I'll get little sleep, I'll fight with Hub and who knows I may not even be able to pull off the perfect cake, but in the end it will all be worth it.

My little girl is turning three and she is going to celebrate with all her friends. It’s going to be so much fun I can’t wait.

Go Green

Okay so I know that the theme of everyday living is to "Go Green". I get it. I do my part and like to think that I am environmentally aware. But here is something I ran across this weekend that just killed me.

Yesterday at the grocery store, I see a woman wearing a shirt that says "Go global buy local" or something to that effect. She is also toting her own environmentally friendly carry bags to put her (no doubt) organic purchases into. So here I am thinking, wow, a person who goes the distance...good for her. *golf clap* I even feel a surge of guilt for still using the plastic bags to cart my groceries home in. Which by the way, holy smokes are things expensive! Moving right along though...

As we leave the store, she follows shortly behind. I almost expect her to jump on her bicycle and ride her hippie-self home. Well what follows is what grates me to my core. She gets in her car and lights a cigarette, toddler seat in the back of the car, diapers and organics in the trunk. Okay, so let me rewind a minute...gets in the car and lights a cigarette...is it just me or does her holier-than-thou-I-save-the-world-with-my-organic-food-and-recyled-material-bags glow just go right in the shitter? It's just me isn't it?

Anyhoo, the soap box is here and on it I shall stand. So with that said, are you freaking kidding me? Save the world but kill yourself and your kid with your cigarette smoke. Am I missing something?

Are you Serious?

Seems like everyday Skylar will say something new, in a bigger sentence, with a better understanding of how and when to use certain words. Here are a few examples:

At the table eating dinner: Brian "Skylar you need to eat your food". Skylar (with a look that could stop a truck) "Are you serious?"

Also at the table eating dinner: Skylar "I like this Mommy, it's delicious!"

Somtimes it's hard to imagine such grown up things coming from such a pint sized little person. Cracks me up and makes me laugh so hard, of course I have to be discreet about it if I’m reprimanding her for saying what she just said.

So onto something that completely eats me alive when I see it, the child harness, i.e. LEASH! At the baseball game on Saturday there was a child who was probably about 3 or 4'ish being walked around by his, oh say 6 or 7'ish, year old brother. The younger one on a leash. Okay so the one child walks the other child around...and where might I ask are the parents. Oh yeah, that's right, in the stands drinking beer while Peter takes care of Paul by walking him around the stadium on a dog leash. I don't understand the "harness", I say this time and time again and once in a while I have someone who thinks they aren't a bad idea and they back their argument up with, "well it's better than letting your kids run off and get lost". To those people I have this to say: Firstly, try discipline, it works wonders. Secondly, explain to your child that running off isn't something they should be doing, if your kid is that out of control in a public area then perhaps for his safety you are better off leaving him home with a babysitter. Thirdly, if you can hold a leash, can you maybe hold his hand? I don't get it, HOLD THE CHILDS HAND people. It's a simple old fashioned way of keeping your kids at your side. Geesh!!!

And I'm still not done...well I'm done bitching about parents who leash their kids like dogs, but I'm not done bitching! Back to the ballgame. Ethan was getting cranky in our cramped seats so I decided to take a walk with Ethan, Skylar and my friend over to the playground area so the kids could play for a bit. I propped Ethan up on the bars and let him walk around holding onto the bars while I watched him and then Skylar was on the slides and such under the watchful eye of Stephanie. Ethan fell over trying to make the switch from the one set of bars to the next and banged his head, so I picked him up and went over to watch Skylar on the slide. You have to bear in mind that there are a huge amount of kids playing in this one area and really it's all about taking turns. Well there are kids up there literally elbowing other kids out of the way and pushing their way to the front of the line. Again...HELLO...where are the parents to make these kids stand in line and wait their turn? One kid pushed Skylar and I was ready to run up there and personally kick his ass. I know, I know, it's a little unusual to feel so angry toward a 4 year old but nobody, but nobody puts my baby in the corner.

Sorry about the cheesy Dirty dancing reference, I had to!

And again, not done yet. So I was at the park riding Skylar around on my bike and there are about 5 boys playing right on the pathway, as I'm coming up on them I start yelling "watch out watch out" so they don't run in front of me and kill all of us. As I get by them, the one kid starts mocking me "watch out watch out". So since I'm a grown up and I need to behave accordingly, I yell back "do you want me to come back and run you over?" Again...I know it's a little harsh, but yikes, where are parents in public situations? Are they not watching their kids, do they not teach their kids simple things. Perhaps they could leash their kids so they don’t run out in front of the bikers, now there is an idea! And what kind of a parent does it take to raise a child who has the nerve to mock another adult? I know that sometimes kids turn out the way they do in spite of the parents efforts, but from one weekend I've come to the conclusion that while this may be true at times, it's more often than not that kids end up the way the do because parents are oblivious, they pay no attention and really don't show their kids the right way to behave.

I'm not claiming to be perfect in any way, but I do know that I pay plenty of attention to my children and I raise them to be respectful of themselves and other people. That's all it takes to make the world a better place, just a little respect.

One Terrifying Moment

Well last week I signed off my blog with a little thing about how blessed I am and how grateful I am for everything, and this week I want to start my blog by reiterating how blessed I really do feel.

A week ago today we were at a restaurant for dinner with friends and we were seated at a booth. I was standing up right next to the edge holding Ethan and the hub was one person deep in the seating arrangement. All of a sudden out of nowhere I hear a thump and I turn around to see Skylar laying face down on the hard concrete floor. I handed Ethan off and stood her up to look at her, she seemed to sway ever so slightly. At this point I panicked and picked her up and ran outside where I sat and held her and asked her questions to find out if she was disorientated or not. She was shook up but otherwise answered all my questions just fine. She of course was crying so hard, partly I believe because she got a huge fright.

We left and got home 15 minutes after the fall, walked into the kitchen and she suddenly started to throw up all over the place. She threw up five or six times and then I noticed she was still gagging but nothing was coming. OMG, she was choking. I did the Heimlich, nothing, I smacked her on the back some more, nothing again. At this point she started to turn blue, I screamed to hub to call 911. I laid her out on our patio and then, well truly I don't recall the exact process too well, but she went from blue to the blue white, her eyes rolled back in her head, her jaw was tight and she stopped breathing. I put my mouth over hers and sucked as hard as I could to try and dislodge (what turned out to be pizza dough) what was in her throat. I managed somehow to get it out, and when I did, I continued CPR and mouth-to-mouth and all of a sudden, she was back, crying. I was so cold and so desperate in those moments. My little girl, my little baby girl, lifeless and limp! My world has never seemed to stand still and move so fast all at the same exact time. I was terrified out of my mind. I had her breathing and okay by the time the paramedics and fire dept and police arrived. I tried to stand up and my legs were so weak, I could barely move a limb. Shock really set in at that point. Just writing this makes my terrified all over again, remembering her face, her colour. I cannot imagine what life would have been had this gone the other way. So today, and everyday, I am so blessed for these lives that are a part of mine, for these beautiful babies who are mine to love and to cherish. Skylar was taken to the ER in the ambulance and was checked out, she had no concussion, and was just fine. She is my little angel, I don't want to have to think about breathing without her. Phew! Heavy stuff...but truly, what an amazing end to a horrible, horrible moment in our lives.

I believe Ethan is finally communicating with me. When asked if he wants this, or that, he nods and says something that vaguely resembles "yeah" or "no" and shakes his head. "Ethan you want squash?" "No" (shake shake)..."do you want pudding?" "Yeah" (nod nod. Could this boy get any cuter?? Still no walking but he's working up to it. Cruising around that furniture like it aint no thang.

Today is Friday, oh thank the heavens. I hope it's a weekend full of fun things to do, things other than the laundry and the dishes and the blah blah blah cleaning stuff. Ahh Summer...you gotta love those warm days, ice cream and the sun-kissed cheeks to kiss goodnight.

Summer Joys

Ahh, sweet, glorious, happy Friday! The weekend is upon us and what makes it even sweeter, is not the Paula Deen super-sweet butter cake pieces I just gobbled down, but the fact that it's a long weekend. Whoot Whoot. Yes folks a nice long, beautiful weekend.

So my first phone call of the day: Gentleman: "Hi Leigh, Happy Friday!" Me: "Thanks, you too", after some more back and forth conversation, Me: "so do you have access to your email today?" Gentleman: "Yes I might but right now I'm at the beach" (kids screaming Daddy Daddy in the background). Me: "Did you have to rub it in?" Gentleman: "Ha ha ha". Okay, so no seriously...did you have to rub it in? I'm here holed up in my cubicle conducting business with him while he is on the beach playing with his kids. *SIGH*

So snuggle time in Skylars bed is interesting these days. She recalls her day and tells me stories about the kids and what they did and who bit who and what not. It's enlightening. I'm sure some of the stories are embellished a little, but hey, it's okay. Makes for a good story, it's like my bedtime story.

Ethan, bless his little heart, is sleeping so much better at night, for long stretches at a time. He even stays in his crib till about 5am some mornings. I love it, although it hasn't made me feel less tired. So with that said I will continue my gripe of exhaustion and woe-is-me'ness.

Life is good. I am so grateful for my family, my home, my life. With watching so much horror unfold on CNN over the past month it really is something to look around and say, you know what, I'm blessed.

Screw Ironman...what about Iron Mom?

3:30pm: Yesterday, the work day is done and I head out to collect the kids.

4:00pm: I pick my munchkins up from daycare and we head home.

4:15pm: I start making dinner, a homemade, from scratch, crust and all (okay, okay so I cheated on the crust and bought pre-made pastry, so what??) chicken pot-pie. Skylar has her chair pulled up to the counter and she is helping me put stuff into things. Ethan is trying to chew on some celery, hmmm...yummy huh Buddy? Dogs are at my feet like vultures waiting for morsels to drop.

4:30pm: Dinner is making nice progress on the stove, kids are playing, Ethan with his cars on the floor, Skylar is painting. I bought her some new paintbrushes while I was out at the store yesterday and without thinking I announce when we are home "Look what Mommy got you today!" Of course she is going to want to paint, DUH! So yes, she was painting and making a huge mess, Ethan kept crawling across the paper so he was a disaster covered from top to toe in paint.

5:00pm: Dinner is done and waiting to go into the oven by 5:30 to be ready by 6pm

5:05pm: Have to vacuum, Ethan is scared of the noise and cries every time I disappear from view so we make a game of peek-a-boo out of it. He loves this and is laughing his silly little head off. Skylar, well I'm not sure what Skylar is doing. Painting the dog, my walls and perhaps some other things I'm sure.

5:30pm Time to clean up, scrub the floor, the kids, clean up the paint, blah blah blah, make the bed that hubby decided to leave unmade this morning. Change a diaper, take Skylar to pee.

6:00pm: "Honey I'm home!!!" In walks the hub, house is clean, kids are clean, a homemade (homemade people...need I say this again!) chicken potpie in the oven, the wonderful aroma's wafting through the air.

Now I tell you this story in great time-lined detail because, well because I am f******* amazing that's why. All Moms’ are amazing. We have ten arms, ten legs and can do anything and everything all at the same time, and not only that but all of our chores have a twist to include imaginative play and quality time with our kids. Give a man a pot and a kid at the same time and his whole system shuts down. Now I'm not saying there aren't men out there who are capable and do all of the wonderful things that Mothers do but...well maybe I am!

"What honey? You made dinner? And bathed the kids? Wow, you cleaned the house and even scrubbed the toilet!" One day folks, one day these words will leave my mouth, but for now, they along with Johnny Depp, remain but a mere fantasy.